Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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