i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
