You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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