i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
