Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
