you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
