How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
