Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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