If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
