Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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