My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
