I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
