i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i drank out of a bidet.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
