hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
