I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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