well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
