I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Randomize
