My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
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I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
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sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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