conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
