Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
so explain again why im purple
no
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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