dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I think I just sharted jello shots
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