you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
