So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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