So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
