i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
