Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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