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I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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