my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
