Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
