I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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