it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
