fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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