Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
two words: eviction party
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
