I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
