my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
