then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
We need to get me chipped asap
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
