3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
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somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
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I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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