I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
