He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
