we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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