Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Randomize
