the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
