he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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