im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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