i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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