I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
