i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
