1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
