sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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