omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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