I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
