So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
