He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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