Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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