does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
whose ass print is on the piano?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
