Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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